You will live to see man-made retardation beyond your comprehension.

Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 21)

“How’d you do it?”

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It’s wings are too small to get its fat little body off of the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t give a fuck what humans think.” 🐝

You can keep your stupid fucking keytag.

“Cleanup was always a daunting task.”

I am a little pissed off that Apple pulled the VK app from their store. All i ever saw on there were thoughtful, beautiful pictures of nature and space and the world i live in, and uplifting memes , in a time where everything else is psychic garbage.

I found one account that my instinct said to delete, but the interface vomits an error, will not let me delete the account, and rate limits how many posts i can clean up in an hour.

if youre pissed off at me over whoever or whatever i supported 7 years ago, its okay. i saw the writing on the wall for the only stuff thats really important. I just didnt realize at the time that they were all in on it , everyone I supported sucked just as badly as your favorite team, and I didnt know at the time that nobody was going to stop it.

A lot of people thought theyd get income assistance or , healthcare or , whatever else they were promised.

I really thought this encroaching madness would be stopped or that justice would be served where it was necessary, and I at least acknowledge that I was deceived.

I *really* fucking dislike some of my old blog posts , but some of it checked out , i nailed some of it on the fucking head. I dont have a need to be prescient or ”right” when i had so much ”wrong,” but ill get back to this with the lens of, ”when did i say it, who did i try to warn, who slammed a fucking door in my face,” and more importantly, was it something i found , or , was it common knowledge at the time (or is it something so far out in left field its actually original.)

If theres something in particular you enjoy or found useful, save it now. You’ve seen me wipe the blackboard a few times and move on to the here and now.

One particular “friend” , who is a local failed musician (he deserves that for his description of Rew Starr’s music career) is still screeching on his social media about the same old shit. Threw me in the garbage after 20 years because I told him it was stupid to use the audience he had to go on some rant about a black woman in a handicapped spot. Oh, we’re a woke anti-racist now, are we? I was not by any stretch of the imagination a “fan,” and often cringed when invited to listen to his latest creative output but I’d dug up two or three songs that I thought were neat and that no one else is ever going to remember or quote or share.

He retweeted Pink’s screech/ultimatium about “If you ______ do me a favor and don’t ever fucking buy or listen to my music again.”

Oh look, mommy. Another happy joyous and free “winner” in sobriety, lol.

As you wish.

I used to get a kick out of listening to gangsta rap in my luxury SUV in the Starbucks drive through in Los Angeles another lifetime ago, but Blackalicious schooled me with “Shallow Days” and I’m deleting anything that glorifies drugs or violence or whatever — no matter how banging or talented or clever — from my playlists and libraries, because now I am like “this is what destroyed our souls.”

Carl Thomas, “I wish” , Jill Scott, “So in Love, ” Lucy Pearl “Without you” turn it up.

I might take the magic fairy wand to some of the energy I’ve put out there next.

The post about “bio photonics” was taken, in part, from a video that was a sales pitch for one of the Chinese sects, Falun Dong or Falun Gong (?) with instructions to repeat some chants to “ward off covid” or stay healthy and I don’t utter oaths or say prayers or chants I don’t understand and I’m also leery of lovebombing behavior and the whole “you’ll be happy if you join us, join us, one of us!” thing.

I have every right to be that way, with no apologies offered whatsoever.

But they had a message I did resonate with, that being, eliminate negativity.

Turn off the TV, turn off the fake news, turn off the outrage cycle on social media.

Turn my back on so called friends who treated me poorly and not concern myself with whether they are happy with the world they thought they wanted to live in.

Sometimes life is about … coming a long way .. and having a long way to go.

Yet, you wonder “maybe someone out there’s going through it and has one foot in the gutter and sees no way out or thinks they’re going to die, or wants to.” Does it serve any purpose to pretend none of that happened? Maybe I followed the instructions “be true to thine own self” too fucking literally for some of them.

It’s funny, just the other day I’d said I “don’t act like ” whatever , and that the god of my understanding has not deprived me of my humanity or free will thus far. I ain’t Ned Fucking Flanders. I sobered up, but maybe without the negativity and lies and endless attacks from others I’ve said enough about, the psychic change follows.

When we started building hospitals in America they had 3-4 beds, charged $1 a day, extras like whiskey not included. People who couldn’t afford their bills bartered with chickens and blankets or whatever they had. Show me a nurse or a modern hospital who’s ever read Florence Nightingale or applies her theories to their standards of patient care. Dumping charity hospitals and homeopathic medicine in favor of allopathic medicine and profits started taking hold in the 1920s and , “these goddamn drunks” coming in for the 50th time was starting to be a problem. Bill brags about knowing and or being endorsed by the Rockefellers which is more of a self-own than a watermark of credibility in this day and age. They own the media, they own the medicine , they keep lying and saying that it’s a thing that “works at all,” let alone the bald faced lie its the “only thing” that works.

They really just want to get you out of the revolving door of their for-profit paradigms, to get you out of a billable bed or room , and just charge you $3000 to hear a bunch of idiots regurgitate billshit at a podium for 12 hours a day.

I have ample evidence that a lot of people show up with no other agenda than finding some screwed up, pretty new girl to ply with drugs and fuck — the Ed Buck types — , or “witches” who cast “life ruining spells” or just engage in the most outrageous spiritual and emotional abuses imaginable. I have encountered a couple of them on Parler and elsewhere flying their true colors , communism, pedaresty, it fucking disgusts me yet does not surprise me in the slightest and none of this offends them so much as the newcomer .. or the long timer .. who dares to say any of this.

Lhasa; I’ve been listening to her three albums for the last two days. I found her on a random play when I’d “keyed it up and tried my hand somewhere else” again and I heard “anywhere on this road” at 2 in the morning with a storm blowing tumbleweeds all over in my path on interstate 5, the decision about whether to take that job transfer to Belgium or not weighing heavily on me, I loved being in that moment more than most of the others I have had over the last few years.

My heart sunk when I found out she hasn’t been with us for awhile now. That song, “Rising” is about a person in crisis, rising and falling like someone drowning at sea, the video inspired by some time she’d spent running away and joining a circus.

Freddie and I been talking, he says he couldnt do Mexico. i told him i hate tennessee. we both like wyoming. he brought up another idea and we both love it. ”what are we talking about?”

he joked that he thinks im ”immortal” for all the shit i survived.

i thought about things , i fell asleep, and then texted him that no, im not immortal, im just not leaving without him.

bio photonics

tl;dr your plexiglass cuck shield at the dollar general store won’t help you

Vlail Kaznacheyev was most famous for his work with “Kozyrev’s Mirrors”, a shielded chamber where the magnetic environment can be reduced to zero, apparently inducing all kinds of psychological and psychic effects where u are essentially (allegedly) whipped out of time, into the Universal Mind.

He is also known for his experiments with UV. Cultures containing all kinds of disease conditions — viral infections, radiation damage, chemical damage — could transmit these exact conditions to neighbouring cultures that were hermetically sealed off, but with a quartz window separating them, allowing UV rays through. (Glass blocked the effect.)

He also found the converse, that healthy cultures could “walk back” a diseased one into a state of health.

These experiments were widely replicated in the USSR and also in Europe.

It’s extremely hard to find any information about these experiments, although they were all published in the open literature. The best source I’ve found is the American researcher Lt Col Tom Bearden at — but unfortunately, Bearden is mostly concerned with the military applications of this work. He alleges that the Soviets weaponized these findings extensively, and were literally able to transmit disease conditions wirelessly — or at least potentiate populations for certain disease conditions, so that pathogens would become much more deadly.

  • /quote source ,
Vlail Kaznacheyev, Cosmic Consciousness, page 25

In summary:

A cell culture was placed into two identical samples, A and B, and placed into two sealed containers with a thin optical window separating the containers.

Kaznacheyev then exposed the cell culture from sample A to a virus which would lead to illness and death and during this time he monitored cell culture B.

As a result, when the window between the two sealed containers was made of ordinary glass, which blocks ultraviolet radiation ,the cell culture B remained healthy.

However when the window between the two sealed containers was made of quartz, which did not block any ultraviolet radiation , between 2-4 hours after the cell culture A became ill and died, the cell culture B also became ill and died too.

The experiment was repeated more than 5000 times.

It was found that the chance of infection without physical contact was as high as 70-80%.

DNA within a cell works like radio cells, its capable of transmitting and receiving electromagnetic signals. These electrical siganals affect the cell’s health.

Source: , its from a book about AIDS specifically but that was not the sole focus of the Russians work or experimentation.

I think I’ve been sitting in my corner mumbling about electrons and toroidal fields for awhile now. Inquisitive minds would like to know, what happens with a mirror?

> If only you knew how “Freemasonic” things really are

It was originally: ”sulphur, mercury, and salt” on the three sides of the “unity, service, recovery” triangle. it’s so adorable watching them explain ”what the logo means.”

>Its not a cult

Ohhhh yes it is, penultimate western occultism. Now you know why it attracts a bunch of self professed witches, sadists, and child fuckers among other dregs and why the FBI and/or the fucking cops and courts wont do shit to them.

Quoting outside material i will attribute at the end, but lets start with what the Oxford Group and Masons call this work :

spiritual alchemy.” the work of the ”life changer.”

well i think you fuckers did it wrong, you only managed to fuck my shit up even more than it was when i first showed up.

>Western occultism (and, indeed, pre-modern Western science) is strongly focused on a system of four of five elements: fire, air, water, and earth, plus spirit or ether. However, alchemists often spoke of three more elements: mercury, sulfur, and salt, with some focusing on mercury and sulfur.

“Mercury and sulphur” being standins for “duality.”


The pairing of sulfur and mercury strongly corresponds to the male-female dichotomy already present in Western thought. Sulfur is the active male principle, possessing the ability to create change. It bears the qualities of hot and dry, the same as the element of fire; it’s associated with the sun, as the male principle always is in traditional Western thought.

Two men who are totally unyielding , okay. i guess. But we’re often rejecting roles and equibility simultaneously and if that works for you im happy for you


Mercury is the passive female principle. While sulfur causes change, it needs something to actually shape and change in order to accomplish anything. The relationship is also commonly compared to the planting of a seed: the plant springs from the seed, but only if there is earth to nourish it. The earth equates to the passive female principle.

Mercury is also known as quicksilver because it is one of the very few metals to be liquid at room temperature. Thus, it can easily be shaped by outside forces. It is silver in color, and silver is associated with womanhood and the moon, while gold is associated with the sun and man.

Mercury possesses the qualities of cold and moist, the same qualities ascribed to the element of water. These traits are opposite those of sulfur.

Or you could have just said ”women have mutable traits,” but I digress.

Sulfur and Mercury Together 

In alchemical illustrations, the red king and the white queen also sometimes represent sulfur and mercury.

Sulfur and mercury are described as originating from the same original substance; one might even be described as the opposite gender of the other–for example, sulfur is the male aspect of mercury. Since Christian alchemy is based on the concept that the human soul was split during the fall season, it makes sense that these two forces are seen as initially united and in need of unity again.


Salt is an element of substance and physicality. It starts out as coarse and impure. Through alchemical processes, salt is broken down by dissolving; it’s purified and eventually reformed into pure salt, the result of the interactions between mercury and sulfur.

Thus, the purpose of alchemy is to strip down the self to nothingness, leaving everything bare to be scrutinized. By gaining self-knowledge about one’s nature and one’s relation to God, the soul is reformed, the impurities expunged, and it is united into a  pure and undivided thing. That is the purpose of alchemy.

So you have the duality of men and women , and something that is neither, which is what makes it mysticism and not Taoism.

Body, Spirit, and Soul 

Salt, mercury, and sulfur equate to the concepts of body, spirit, and soul. Body is the physical self. The soul is the immortal, spiritual part of the person that defines an individual and makes him unique among other people. In Christianity, the soul is the part that is judged after death and lives on in either heaven or hell, long after the body has perished.

The concept of spirit is far less familiar to most. Many people use the words soul and spirit interchangeably. Some use the word spirit as a synonym for ghost. Neither is applicable in this context. The soul is personal essence. The spirit is a sort of medium of transference and connection, whether that connection exists between body and soul, between soul and God, or between soul and the world.


Man was human ”clay” to be worked with, but only if the initiate so chose.

“Bitch, I’m Shakira!”

But they said ”id never get it.”

You guys think im fucking around when I say im ordained, trained, insane in the membrane?

“You sure don’t act like it.”

Unlike some “super spiritual steppers” who’ve attacked me on this front, the god of my understanding does not want to deprive me of my humanity, and in general, to only speak when called on to answer a question or work with others.

Source: Alternative Religions

Alchemical Sulfur, Mercury and Salt in Western Occultism

and of course , MSNBC in Lexington KY


“Aztec poetry is all about this conflict that the heart goes through because of loving life and finding life so beautiful and yet knowing that we are – that we are not immortal.” — Lhasa de Sela (1972-2010)
Youre not entirely gone , as long as youre still remembered or loved or moved by someone out there.

I got caught in a storm
And carried away
I got turned, turned around

I got caught in a storm
That’s what happened to me
So I didn’t call
And you didn’t see me for a while

I was rising up
Hitting the ground
And breaking and breaking

I was caught in a storm
Things were flying around 
And doors were slamming
And windows were breaking
And I couldn’t hear what you were saying
I couldn’t hear what you were saying
I couldn’t hear what you were saying

I was rising up
Hitting the ground
And breaking and breaking

— Lhasa, Rising

Don’t say i didnt warn you.

I told you exactly how it works.

i told you ”shadow gate” was real, and why.

The NSA uses netflow data, just like ive told you, just like Snowden and Millie Weaver told you.

this is even worse, its full on .pcap data, which was filtered out in the past because at the time, “encrypted data was useless” but “uh-oh” this is even worse than using net flow to look at your search history this is everything and I mean everything including tor, darknet, crypto, encrypted VPN traffic, “every fucking thing” , its even worse than I thought. I theorize this either means that current forms of encryption are broken by quantum computing (get back to me later on a crackpot theory that this, or genome cracking, is what “crypto” was all along since “[email protected]” and the “genome project” and “seti” and “[email protected]” didn’t have enough uptake for … the kind of “distributed supercomputer” they were after for all of these things, good fucking job for 7 cents a day, humanity.) If it is not cracked and they’re grabbing .pcaps , oh fuck. It means they anticipate it will be. These quantum systems exist in research laboratories and 256 bit SHA isn’t shit to them, but these systems are not available for YOU for “competitive” reasons. The way they took down “Silk Road” and others, suggests to me that they’ve had this capability a lot longer than any of us have suspected.

Not “competitive” as in the actual invention. “Competitive” as in having the upper hand , stealing all your secrets blackmailing anyone who matters, and unraveling everything you are and everything you’ve ever done. It would work EXACTLY like I already told you , the CSR-1000V is an example of one of the devices capable of even hoovering all of that up , I’m a few years out of date and its likely there’s new hardware that outperforms the CSR-1000V. But there is no difference here: Instead of net flow data that just analyses apps, search URLs , and kinda figures out who you are as all your apps and logins to social media or Spotify (spytify) or anyone else that has a unique login string for you account and is therefore “identifying” you would just have a spoof of the gateway sucking EVERYTHING up in promiscuous mode for future analysis.

At the time I was working on such things, for “analytics” products that spied on everything you did when you used “generously provided” “free” wifi, we disregarded 80% of the traffic because it was encrypted and even at&t and Cisco didn’t know how to fuck with that a few years ago.

I have long maintained, in other venues we don’t need to bring up, that a VPN is a nice way to tell advertisers and nosy fuckers to go fuck themselves but as far as illegal activity, hahahhahahahahahahahahhaahahahaahahaha lots of luck. Snowden described the way(s) they could eventually sort out who a VPN user was or who was one of the 32,000 people sharing an IPV4 address on carrier grade NAT, but this is next level big brother shit. Hint: ipv6 solves that on mobile.

i suspect the game has changed — nobody, and i mean fucking nobody, will have any secrets anymore. I hope its an integral part of these “slow wheels of justice ” some of us are still STUPID enough to believe in , but this does not change the words I have been mumbling for twenty years now: “the truth always comes out in the wash.” — now whatever these people happen to do with that “truth”? I dunno.

I am nuts, but what does that have to do with anything, I SAID this was my fucking job, and I SAID, I was REALLY fucking good at my job.

here are all my faults , my battles, my defeats, my few and far inbetween victories, laid bare at your feet. I don’t have a Jack Murphy problem, girrrrlllllll, no secrets here, I’m a man desperate to live, to be of one mind body and soul with instructions to share my story and not accept a cent for it.

Saint Glow Nicholas is coming to town, and he knows if youve been naughty or nice. TRIGGER ALERT: RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA OMG, but I can confirm — in fact — I already did confirm — in fucking 2018 — what they’re doing, but this is the ILLEGAL COPY that Millie Weaver was referring to in “shadow gate.” I have remarked on that, but that is an example of a post that didn’t survive the Google to WordPress transition and my external hard drive is dead, but look it up yourself, it really goes into detail and stands on its own two legs without my endorsement or commentary.

I’m going to say one more time, Millie Weaver and Shadowgate are 100% real.

Maybe there’s a “plan” or maybe it will just be used against us in the near future, CCP totalitarian/credit score/boot on your face forever and ever and ever style.

Faith or fear. You decide. Saint Glow Nicholas knows what we jack off to.


Wanna help? 😛

divide and conquer

I’ve been saying for awhile that this whole “I hope you die from the virus” and “I hope you die from the vaccine” thing was getting out of hand.

I finally found a red line in the sand that I can’t step into with these guys.

After years of “punch nazis” and “I hope you die, ” and all that , it was only a matter of time before the backlash started getting real nasty.

A young man died and I glanced through some pictures of him when he was younger and had these beautiful green eyes and pretty lashes… to where his eyes turned coal black and kind of made the hair on the back of my neck stand up ..

To where he was performing in this .. demonic looking getup I did not like at all.

But I met “Christeene” briefly in Austin and he’s a nice guy, Paul , I think? And I let myself get put off enough by the act , to just kind of nervously dart off… even though I think he’s really funny.

Are they just like me, being ridiculous and flamboyant and dramatic for fun?

I used to be fun.

“My moon , my man” came on the radio at Sorianas today and cheered me up.

I remembered being a happy go lucky 20-something performing it on the escalators at Ikea in Schaumburg. Way more innocent times.

That quickly gave way to darker memories of being alone in my apartment with the shades drawn, singing “my spoon , my gram , my forty in a slam-“

… makes me smile anyhow more than not …

My gut says, withhold judgement, “staring at the darkness familiar to an artist.

There are focus groups with $6-100 million dollar budgets trying to figure out how to shatter people or divide and conquer a group or clear out a community who refuses to get on conference calls with the White House over who or what to silence and tells them to get fucked.

I don’t want to say where it was.

I don’t want to repeat what they said.

It made me sick to my stomach and sad enough to start deleting accounts.

I have no words-

And if I did, no one’s going to forgive me or reach a hand across those divisions.

Just another drop in the ocean, bitching online , because we all love to do that , and making no tangible difference in the world I live in….

It’ll fall on deaf ears like everything I’ve said so far.

“Oh hey, this even makes Grodevant want to throw up and delete his accounts” seems like .. information .. this will just assist the Adversary and do nothing for us and encourage more of the same.

I’m crawling into bed with chamomile tea and curling up into a ball for the night.

Maybe tomorrow or the day after, I’ll decide on some of these other places that are just demoralization threads and subversion

… same as it ever was.

But just for today, y’all .. were everything they say you are and its embarrassing.

I’ve been around long enough to know that at one time it actually wasn’t true.

It’s become much like a Reddit circle jerk where you’re instabanned w no appeal.

I cannot wait for the blockchain based “public square.” I’m going to have to clean it up a little bit because that shit really is going to be out there forever.

i found a protocol that scales so much , it can process more data than visa or mastercard, or the stock exchange, or at&t and im not here to pump shitcoins or give you bad advice but i put all my chips on the table for this one: if you dont understand what it is or develop any notable products for it, fine. i will!

it’s going to be pretty awesome where you can be ratioed to oblivion, and there are no takebacksies for really, really, bad takes. We’ll all have to try harder.

But damn it, I love that shoeonhead chick and the “demonpeen” guy who’s a thirst trap I wish I could find a gay version of.

I don’t know what the fuck’s going on tonight, its raining and thundering but that shit is not like any other thunder I’ve ever heard entering my 50th decade of life.

“A child believes …”

Kids will believe anything. They taught us this idiotic song , “all gods critters have a place in the choir” but would turn purple and scream “not you! One more $&$#ing word out of you, you’re going to in school suspension again!” now I understand they were preparing me for life.

on a related note , the one thing i miss about alejandro is that i could say “mi desayunos muy racista es mo mas!” 😢 and he’d laugh his ass off. why the fuck are all these people supposedly crossing the border? theyre horrible. who the fuck wants to live in america? muh venezuela? pay attention, youre about to BE venezuela.

all this bullshit about pronouns is designed to turn you into an ”it.” all this bullshit about men and women not existing, ”birthing parents,” and instructing their military to stop referring to their own parents as ”mom” and ”dad,” its all set up to unperson and dehumanize you, to no longer see a man or a woman or a child or a mother , to see a ”target” or a ”criminal” or a ”subject” or some ”unclean ” ”diseased” person to quarantine or execute as part of an ”operation” and its been pretty horrifying watching everyone clap like seals , chuck their rocks mindlessly on command, or think the MIC or the orange man or ”Q” or russia or ”Putin” are going to save you.

do you ever stop and think about how short of a walk you took off of the pier from “healthcare is a universal human right” to ”fuck yeah, deny them any compassion or healthcare or services ” if pfizer and murderna dont have a billion dollar sales quarter?

“i just dont understand how germans sat there and did nothing while they rounded up gays and jews, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, anyone who didnt vote for fucking Hitler (Prescott Bush’s boy) in November of 1933 under the pretenses of “typhus” and “lice” and, ultimately in its final form, dissidence.”

just like class, those vile fucking animals from NA (or at least pretending to be from NA online) have taught me how hideous youre capable of being. and why the fuck i didnt understand that by the time i was TEN is totally lost on me.

“I always knew worry was a fraud, because it would go away so quickly with just a laugh.”

right on time for another three year cycle, smoke blowing outta both ears, tank very nearly on empty , as always , I approach every damn thing in life with “im as ready as im ever gonna be.”

> MARCH 12, 2019

> I’m in my Sex and Cigarettes phase:

> That’s the one where all the men did her dirty and fucked around on her and the IRS is after her ass.

> She might be down but she aint out and she’ll turn it ’round.

I gotta do my uh, 2021 return still, so .. umm, “Trump who?” omg, the thing I admire the most about Madam Vice President Harris , is that she called the president a rapist on live national television!

Fuck, I’m doing this wrong.

I am still a writhing , pale ball of pain and all i do anymore is sleep… and sleep… and sleep… and sleep… god only fucking knows i need it.

i use the oxygen concentrator at night , im an tolerating that better than CPAP, its quieter, and it was really disappointing when id have to stop cuddling with daniel and put on the god damn hose and mask and turn my back to him. i still pull the canula off while im sleeping but i dont know many cpap hoses ive *ripped in half* during my sleep and i can barely cut those fucking with SCISSORS while im awake.

… ive had dates that werent a disaster, good bants, nice dudes , and inevitably , when it was time for cinderella to turn into a pumpkin , and id decline the invitation to spend the night or say its time for you to go… ”oh youre not into me!” … fucked if you do fucked if you dont, you want to scare off a date, be like ”oh well, half my left ventricle is dead and its time to turn on the machine.”

im out seven years of the prime of my life but ive got friends who have just, straight up dropped dead , and dont have the ”luxury” of being alone or in pain or having any memories or regrets anymore. and im not jealous … its just that they left us while the streets were safe and we all still loved each other no matter what.

its a foregone conclusion that id have fought over trump or tacky tweets and this shitshow of a blog or those goddamn vaccines by this point anyway.

Alejandro, bless his heart, “loves” trump and im like ”oh, in .. 2022? ouch.” and he called britney spears a bitch. I gasped and said “without britney there is no you and me.”

why . you mouthy little shit. we all have limits

so , leave me alone to my cobwebbed fannie , my chickens and my dog and my meals for one okay?

im not going to apologize to the group, ”its not easy to love someone who doesnt love you“ it ran its course , i am tapped the fuck out, compassion burnout is one of the kinder remaining feelings i have about the whole fucking fiasco, you held me back in every area of my life that matters to me

as far as the important stuff goes… you know, like your heart pumping and circulating oxygenated blood through your body and organs.. all your other problems can be dispensed with if you dont have that going for you … these mexican motherfuckers, bless them, have pulled one of the thorns out of my paw:


It’s not an easy thing to do , to just pick up and go somewhere you dont know the language or have any friends. i was supposed to be here on “vacation” in january and two car accidents and three ICU visits later im still here and in no condition to get in that hot ass oven of a car and get very far right now. maybe when it cools down-

i had attended a couple AA meetings and i didnt understand anyone.

the neighborhood hangs out and socializes downstairs and im shy and scurry back into my place. i dont understand the men. i understand La Duena better now. im super uncomfortable just kicking it in the yard with everyone because i feel stupid or like im in a k hole, i feel like the dog understands everyone better than i do.

i dig out the TV and started watching news casts with carla gonzales (i think?) because she has a real easy to understand accent. i read, and i watch carla, sometimes the closed caption works and sometimes it doesnt.

im no infant, im just an emotionally stunted alcoholic here but I think kids end up latching on to one parent or the other to form their first words or … whatever , and *ahem* I watch Carla, going daaaaaaaamn if I was a straight man she’s a 20/10.

I like her voice , I like how clear it is.

and yeah she’s an RT reporter. RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, REEEEEE deal with it.

i had my first (mostly) fluent conversation with la duena, she pulled up a chair and we talked for a good hour or so. my spanish is getting to be as fast as my english. ”tranquilo! tranquilo!” she yelled.

maybe im just excited to have a conversation where the dam burst and we understood each other. i know shes funny and cracks jokes that go over my head. she handed me the phone to talk to her husband the other day, just kind of mischevious , and i talked to him about the work hes doing, hes building pools in america and i asked him in spanish ”wheres my pool?”

she laughed her ass off at that.

im in this place in this life where everyone wrote me off for seeing things differently and tried to ice me out , ostracize me, or make things uncomfortable for me , and i just said ”fuck you” and dialed in my own destination, because this is neither easier nor harder than what you left me with but its certainly been interesting

(can’t follow this up with a “title”)

I think it started sometime around August 9th.

Fast forward a month or so and the first hospital claimed I had “covid,” “because of course they did.” They offered me no treatment whatsoever beyond Tylenol as my blood oxygen/spo2 crashed to the 80s and ignored me in my room. I said “fuck this” and strong armed them into writing a prescription for an oxygen tank and concentrator. I received an $88,000 mxn bill for their “expertise and treatment.”

It took me another few days in my hotel room on the oxygen concentrator– and you know, “if it was covid” it seemed like the right thing to do to isolate for a few days — before I felt like I had the strength to strap on the oxygen tank and drive home to either get a second opinion or at least go die at home.

I had lost 1/4 or so of my body weight, was pale as a ghost, and I was so weak climbing the stairs that I would drop groceries everywhere on the porch.

I went to my “usual” hospital and my hemoglobin was down to 5 or 6, they did xrays and they were like “you have a systemic fungal infection and you need to go upstairs for IV antifungals now.”

That ended up being + a few units of albumen, more IV antibiotics , which they have way overused on me at this point , and a few units of blood which makes me nervous as shit: “did I just get a bag of sputnik, AstraZeneca, Pfizer, AND Murderna? Great, I’m either going to be maxvaxxed and have super immunity or be dead in a week.”

Not too long ago I would have been like “oh. god, please don’t be a a big bag of hepatitis and CMV.” As if I ever cared what was in a bag of something I injected before.

I have some fear of ancient religious dogmas about accepting blood products that weighed heavily on me, but the older I get the more I realize that the Old Testament is nothing more than GoyimOS , rules for thee and none for me like everything else in this life, while “they’re” drinking fresh infant blood out of a frickin fondue fountain at a DNC fund raiser. /sarcasm , no I am not one of those.

I’ve been sick before but I was very anemic with a blood pressure of 85/35, I couldnt get up and get up and go to the toilet without my o2sat dropping to 90.

And still, this “supportive chatroom” of ours, course, continued to assail me with insults and complaints people like “gonnabeokay” whining that he wasn’t greeted and welcomed fast enough and “guess I’m not welcome” as I faded in and out of consciousness. It’s been suggested before that addicts are selfish and self centered, key .. for the first time in a long time I wasn’t sure if I was going home.

I was just a week short of my 1 year milestone and wondering if I would see it.

I finally lost it and said “fuck these people” and I took that horrible website and PROUDLY torched it and touched it to ground.

“kicking you when youre down” does not even begin to scratch the surface of what this cult does. this is where youre dead to me, this is where i will not provide any material support and i want my work— which you were so derisive of anyway — that you stole, taken off your damn copy of it.

Be gone, demons!

After all this, they said they were going to try a medication that’s banned in the United States , “because of course it is,” they only approve things that kill you now … to lower my heart rate and put less pressure on those valves and get some flow in the dead areas of my left ventricle and hopefully make my heart stop straining so hard to pump blood through me.

My resting heart rate dropped from 80 to 60 over 16 days.

My walking heart rate dropped from 100 to 80 over 16 days.

My cardiologist said even if we did a surgery on your valves you’re at risk of not surviving the procedure. We have to wait a few weeks and do another echo and if my LVEF is still in the neighborhood of 35-40% we’re not doing anything because it would STILL be the same as 2017 and I may? have bought a couple more years.

You’re following that it isn’t worth risking a failed repair , or an infection , or other complications if your heart “works enough” and is neither better nor worse after 5 years of monitoring, yes?

I’d made plans to re-rent my old house in Minnesota and sent a check to hold it, I got a permission letter from the EPA to enter the USA with my non conforming Mexican clown car, yet right now … I can barely run a grocery errand.

But all the neighbors say I look better and they were all like “what happened to this guy??” La Duena’s like “I don’t know” , I kind of speak Spanish and she kind of gets it but not 100%. We finally got someone bilingual involved,his big ole truck and his big ole Shrek hands and his great big barrel chest *pant pant pant* lol. La Duena and my immediate neighbors understand the situation now

They’d been helping me carry things upstairs and unload my car… someone arranged for a couple girls to help me clean the place … they offered to move me to the apartment downstairs but this is my home now, I (USUALLY) know where I am when I wake up. I don’t have a lot anymore and I do not need a lot, either.

Nobody and I mean nobody I’ve been neighbors with in the United States even cared what my fucking name was.

I like this place, I like my apartment I like my community.

It’s hot, there are earth quakes, omfg, its so fucking hot, I fucking hate it.

I like the fact that if you sold dope here, they would light your house on fire.

It’s made sobriety a lot easier, lol.

I don’t care if I have a month or a year or 100 years left on this earth, I decided to free myself from those fucking people and never make contact with them again.

But … we’re going to be real clear and real forceful that I won’t participate in the shit they do to people, I don’t require an apology in fact I hate them so much I would prefer they not contact me. They *have to* get my content off their page. I am not being dramatic, cause I think I have a good chance of pulling through this but I want every single trace of me erased from that fucking thing before I die.

And then I want them to fuck off and never contact me again.

I deserve that.

Blood pressure was 114/50 today, that’s normal for me.

The second hospital visit and all the oxygen equipment set me back almost another $250,000MXN and , well, “goodbye tangible savings” my next dividend check is in November and I am broke, stuck where I am, and fucked ’til then.

But maybe its just as well, America is in ruins and just itching for a world war. You guys are overconfident from a lifetime of being born on that side of the bombs.

High drama and over-sharing, sorry , yo.

What a cruel irony that I’ve spent 6 years managing a “support website” that has been anything but “supportive” or even kind to me , and been left to my pen. me me me, bitch bitch, whine, its all about fucking Evie, yeah, I hate addicts now.

I have seen the blunt end of some narrow minded, vicious, and cruel mother fuckers in this life but you guys .. take the cake .. I really cannot help you. Some of y’all need to be institutionalized or at least banned from the fucking internet.

“Take back every element of me that they stole.”

I’m going to start this off by asking them to do the right thing — I understand that this is a foreign concept to them, and that it may not compute — and not plagiarize my copyrighted content, so as to light a beacon and attract more victims to inflict their … incomprehensible .. outrageous … and ENDLESS abuse and malice upon.

“GET HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!!” “REMOVE ALL DISSENT” oh! ironic! I’ve tolerated YOURS!!

I called Sue at a fairly impolite hour and asked her when she would be removing it. She said she’s worked on it all day and can publish it sometime tomorrow.

I said “thank you.”

I had to listen to fuckers like Joel come in and chew my ass out every day, day after day, over something that displeased him about me personally or the website, but how dare I show up and say that I have a problem with this. !report !report !report !!!

Exterminate! exterminate! ive always hated you fucks.

I just completely lost it when I logged in and saw this disparaging ass note for Woody about my code, about my work, and I fucking fired everyone and dragged that albatross around my neck out back behind the barn and shot it.

And yet “it was so terrible” that you copied every kilobyte and word and stole it to use on your own website (again), I’ve DMCA’ed your website for plagiarizing every word, word for word and pixel for pixel twice now.

“My site sucked so much you ripped it all off from me over and over again!”

From here on out , blame your fucking selves for your own fucking failures.

“The axe forgets”

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! 

The world forgetting, by the world forgot. 

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! 

Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d; 


Step 8: We simply denied harming anyone and continued to harm others.

The axe forgets, the tree remembers

If i knew in 2016 what I know today , when you asked me for “temporary help” as Bristol attacked your site, I would have told you this:

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

And then laughed my ass off watching it burn.

and so there i was

imagine spending whatever time i have left at a computer screen asking a bunch of ASPDs who are like cancer on my dick to not engage in antisocial, malicious, financially, or sexually exploitative behavior all day every day.

its a fool’s errand and that is the last knife im ever going to take in my back from them.

seeing that my other content was so .. upsetting… ill be sure to restore that first.


get a fucking job or at least come up with your own god damned ideas and words you worthlesss , thieving, scheming, fucking junkies

Die mad.

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