They shall be mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them as a man spareth his own son that serveth himMAL 3:17

Had the lord sent us for to seek his Bride, we might have gathered in some who he rejects as unworthy – because we are unable to read the heart. Z 03-223

It had been my inclination to forgive, tolerate, consider all equal or worthy of their place under the tent, for it is not “my tent.”

But not all of them are “flowers.” Some of them are straight up weeds and I feel like Jenny from the HOA screaming about how they’re choking out the flowers.

That’s a bitch to arrive at when you really were digging the “Therese” motif.

I went to some kind of service last night, “abrir de la gloria” or whatever. Everyone was repeating along with the priest, and I couldn’t follow any of it. It is hard enough to zero in on one person and try to make out what he is saying. But when 10 people are all saying it in different cadences in a circle around me , I made absolutely no sense of it whatsoever and felt like an outsider. I just remained silent. I don’t repeat oaths or prayers that I do not understand. 

I opened a “certain app” and noted that there was a weeklong Santa Semana orgy going on, and I cringed for whoever thought that was cute and whoever RSVP’ed.

I looked around at the peeling paint and the “threadbare” tile and bent pews. 

I couldn’t make out a single word over the crappy PA system with two barn fans roaring in my ears. I felt like I didn’t belong there for a moment.

“What are you even doing here, you have no idea what’s even going on.”

I responded to that voice of doubt and shame, and said if any of the things you are saying to me are true, may they be removed from me.

If the things you are saying to me are not true, may you be removed from me.

I’m alive.. im here of all places .. im still sober … thinking back to a passenger who asked me what I thought about los angeles or driving for Uber, and how I said something like “I didn’t think this was going to be what I was going to be when I grew up but it beats the smoldering ruins of the life that I left behind.”

But I miss that time and moment and place. I was “happy enough,” and I broke my own rule: “Do not fuck with happy. Do not fuck with good enough.” 

But I saw the writing on the wall and it wasn’t about to be “happy” for much longer.

I nope’d the fuck out as fast and as far as I could.

Everyone I miss , is no more. They are not happy to hear from me.

Everywhere I miss, is no more. None of it is what it used to be, nor will be again.

I miss who I used to be, but even that guy will never be who or what he used to be.

Whatever you think of the Resurrection, trandscendence and reinvention are real.

But the wrecking ball , the destruction and deconstruction is just as real as well.

I couldn’t get this thought out of my head about how there are people who are convinced that Adolf Hitler is going to reappear in a time machine, or “Q” people who are convinced that JFK or JFK Jr are going to magically reappear. Like seriously and unironically….. 100%… who scoff at the idea of “Jesus” returning.

“Here’s why YOU’RE delusional and superstitious and silly. But hey, can JFK Jr count on you for your vote, Robert?” I fucking hate the internet. 

As far as the religious fairly tales of the world go, I am not a Catholic. But sometimes they say things about intercessionaries and or the light that fit in better with I do believe in. I was really enjoying church until it “went woke.”

Dirty battered benches, a “threadbare” tile floor, peeling paint, and having about as much understanding of the words and prayers being uttered .. as a dog .. wasn’t … as inspiring as the other times I heard a message that was like a punch in the gut or felt like I had a handle on what was going on.

I just went, ok , I’m glad to be alive and I am glad to be here. wherever this is.

I guess you are my neighbors and community right now, though I dont know you.

It’s a step up from times I wasn’t glad to be alive or glad to be here.

If nothing changes for some of them.. today .. or tomorrow .. or maybe even 10 years from now .. im glad you’re here even if you’re not glad you’re here.