Making coffee and toast this morning, I found myself idly wondering “and .. since when did it ever matter to you before, if you had any fucking idea where you were… who you were with … or what the hell was going on in the room, anyway?”
No one laughs harder at , or makes fun of me, or criticizes me more than I do.
I carry the perspective of someone who did not believe in anything, of someone who did not want to live, and of someone who did not want to be found.
I carry the perspective of someone who already had enough going on under the hood to isolate and separate myself from others, all other issues notwithstanding, most of you hated me long before it ever got political or personal.
I have the same questions I’ve seen hundreds if not thousands ask before me:
“What’s the fucking point, you’re dead to everyone already anyway.”
You were dead to everyone before you ever even touched a drug in your life.
You were dead to everyone as you donated to DeRay and wanted Hillary to run.
What exactly, would make you think, that anything would change in sobriety?
What would ever make you think that people who treated you poorly or turned their backs on you — manipulative, controlling, etc , will ever “come around” or “learn anything” and why the fuck would you even answer their call if they did?
There is a fine line between forgiveness and forgetting, and in being pathetic or lonely enough to ever let such a person get anywhere near you or your life again.
This is to clarify what I mean, by, addressing that shame and self-doubt , and suggesting that if any of these things are true , may they be removed from me.
And that if they are not true, then may that nagging voice be removed from me.
Dear shame and doubt
I hold a knowing that is deeper than what’s palpable
And although you seem to protect me from pain unimaginable
I know there’s more meaning in you
It’s slowly becoming legible
I’m here to refine my heart’s vocabulary
To see what hurts more clearly
So I can perceive this pain as my own treasure and healing
I’m here to stay with myself
To hold myself close
I’m here to practice courage and quietly let go of righteousness, hurtfulness, doubt, complacency
To learn how to navigate all this emotionality with care
With judiciousness, with gratitude, intelligently
I’m here to grow my prayers into relations with my own conscience, my own integrity
I’m here to fully participate in my reality
May we remind ourselves
That what hurts is a luminous teaching
May we untangle that pain from the majesty of our being
May the fullness and the emptiness be an opening and expanding
May this love, this dedication, this place of peace be our softest landing
May we remember that our actions have an impact on all of humanity
And we may say what’s been unsaid with kindness, with dignity
May the next breath carry us home, again and again
Take one deep breathEnergy (spoken word with Elena brower)