Memory Lane has a few Potholes in it

"a clump of ones and zeroes with an obvious attraction to the path of most resistance "

“Who knew?”

If you had ever told me , that I would be glad:

I was “not ever welcomed in, or invited” –

That I would have chosen the present time to be celibate and/or sober –

Or to go disappear into some desert for a few years.

Not really so much by design, as much as it was “that’s just how life ended up.”

Or that I’d be glad that your so-called “inclusiveness” left no shelter for me.

I wouldn’t have believed you.

Think I’d ever be reluctantly “grateful” for a bunch of psycho, life ruining, “spell casting” broomstick riding treacherous women and/or nut jobs from 12-step groups for showing me … just how profane, sick, corrupt, backstabbing, devious and evil humans could possibly be over “power” in a fucking IRC chatroom… so I could fully understand how ugly politics and/or the real world really are?

Here we are.

“People’s rejection IS God’s protection.”

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Derek (“do go fuck your hat ma’am” Derek, not Indiana Derek) called me last night to check in and say hello. The phone number you would find on most public records and court filings is “whitelisted” to allow about 40 people to call it and he is still one of them.

He asked if “the chatroom” was going to be okay, and I said “I hope so.”

Zephyr should have everything he needs, him and Susie also purchased servers of their own to transition everything off to. The most important thing is our domain names — they’re paid until 2025 or 2026 or 2027 because despite whatever the fuck you people said about me, I am a responsible steward of what I manage.

Zephyr or Derek can call me if you need me to fax my identification and account info off to a billing department to remove the 2-factor or whatever. Zephyr and I have “a way” of authenticating that its really him and that it’s really me. If he himself resigns, sigh, call me, I will re-establish accounts and find another sucker.

But hell no, I am not having anything whatsoever to do with “NA” again , and I don’t discuss or endorse any other programs “because anonymity” and if I AM ever stupid enough to get myself involved in some bullshit like that again, everyone is welcome including that bitch Miranda , including our former TS — but it WILL be in the format I proposed, it will be done “on my terms,” Susie will not be on the team, and I will tell you if I think your proposed “rules” are fucking stupid or “unhelpful.”

I already wasted a quarter of my life on that nonsense , and it’s like I can’t fucking do anything to please anyone (not that I care or try anymore), I just get stabbed in the fucking back , and for real, after watching 1,000,000+ lines of interaction per month for the better part of at least a decade, I have an idea of what isn’t helpful.

When I took the wheel “formally” in 2016, Connie said I was the “answer to her prayers” and … yeah … well, anyway , you guys will be okay. If you’re not okay or can’t figure it out, have Derek call me or something. I work with and for Zephyr. I will never talk to Susie — knowingly, intentionally — we do have a little problem with so-called “Sybil Attacks” (look it up, it’s a plague in all chatrooms/social media, but part of it is what you call “sock puppets” and people who derive entertainment from pretending to be different people and playing their different online identities against each other.) to some extent, that is an area where we had an advantage over other entrants in that space. I am confident that “Z” understands my sloppy ass train wreck way of cobbling shit together.

I will help him if he is in over his head and literally can not figure something out.

In the meantime, I’m glad Susie is a backstabbing gossip monger. I have diverted my attention to far more interesting problems than “I don’t like so and so” or “guess what so and so said about you behind your back.” I wish I had not been so distracted by such nonsense for as long as I was. The site would have turned a profit , without accepting a cent from anybody in so called donations.

I’m not ruling out the possibility of doing exactly that someday.

But for now, I deserve a break.

And fuck NA and fuck NA World Services, I’d burn their flag rather than fly it.

“Robert , cynical , drinks his beer , watch him glow and deteriorate and disappear. His hours drained in the computer screen just existing and surviving … lifestyles of the incomplete … animal behavior “

Jeremy gloff , “animal behavior”

If you were my “friend” you’d have understood what I was doing at my computer screen.

a vast right wing conspiracy theory

I got a copyright / takedown notice.

So how about this, I won’t host it here. Go look at this crazy conspiracy blog called “crazy days and nights” and look up the following very interdasting search terms:

“wealthy farmer” = bill gates

“celebrity ceo” = Elon musk

“bookseller” = bezos

“the church” = apparently its in my FAVORITE (/s) Arizona State Senator’s district and whatever it is, it’s apparently even worse than “THAT” church.

I do not know if any of this is true, but I do stand behind Enty having a better reliability and reputation than the Washington Scratching Post , throwing newsroom cat fights, circle jerking, and giving each other Pulitzer Prizes. I’ve never known Enty to publicly name someone he does not have the receipts on.

What this means for you: “a soft disclosure is apparently underway” because crackpots and conspiracy theorists do not usually overlap with celebrity gossip, but Enty is devoured by a lot of people “in the industry” if you will.

The only thing I said that needs to be said, is that Russia supplies most of the neon gas you need to make computer chips, and that Taiwan is refusing to give them chips > 25MHZ. Very bizarre, Musk and Gates tried to buy out the Taiwanese chip plant and move it to mainland China. “That china” was just made up so that the old China aka Taiwan could skip out on the bill for us funding their wars with Japan.

“Oops, sorry, under new management now, that isn’t our debt!”

Is this their payback? Because an eye for an eye makes the whole world die.

I don’t know what Bezos’ end game is, but instead of playing “Russia Russia Russia” lets play a different game and see who sides with Bezos and his “space” company , and who sides with Gates , Elon, and *his* “space” company because whatever the hell these people are doing, they have opposing objectives and that’s a really good starting point for determining who is working with whom.

I wouldn’t read too much into Gates’ infamous short position against Tesla, it doesn’t mean they’re enemies it just means they know what’s coming and stand to make a half a billion dollars from it.

I’m opposed to Musk purchasing Twitter. Believe it or not, things can get worse.

What an absolute clusterfuck: It seems that some of the people I have spoken very poorly of , are doing “some of the things” you’re doing for a reason. If anyone was ever insane enough to put me in charge for a day I would have probably reluctantly found myself going along with “controlled demolition/ keeping the whole house of cards from falling down all at once,” but I wouldn’t have been robbing what’s left of the piggy bank and looting the country as it failed.

Indeed, some people prefer their chains after all.

“and I wish that I could be with you tonight …”

I had a dream I died last night.

It wasn’t anything wild like the other times.

I didn’t go into a hypnagogic state , or fear “the void” or astral projecting or “dying” or whatever for the first time ever.

I dreamt I was in a silver mist. Like a heavy fog, reaching out for a friends hand. I didn’t hear a word. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t see anything around or in front of me. But I knew you were there and calmly fumbled in the fog to find your hand, and touch your fingers and “be with you again.”

When our fingertips touched, and we grabbed a hold of each others hands , he pulled me through very gently to the other side.

I can’t remember who was or what he looked like, it was someone I feel like I always knew, and missed enough to give almost anything to touch our fingertips, hold his hand, and see him on the other side. I’ve always felt like I’m missing someone.

No weird .. purgatory stuff .. or shadowy forms .. or watchers in the hall.

None of it.

“All you have to do is believe I’m here, reach out, touch my fingers, and you will materialize into place.”

I knew this time I was on the “other side” , this in concept of a safe, just , new world of abundance and nobody afraid of anyone or anything anymore shared by the Chaldeans, Phoenicians, Phrygians, Persians, Indians, Chinese, and Mexicans …

I wrote of such a place in January… and I want to believe that deepest part of me that knows its there, or …. well, I hope it’s there. I get these bleak feelings that I’m no different than the dead dogs I come across by the highway all the time now and I can’t shake this image of that being how things really are “and that will be me.”

I don’t remember much, the most important thing was that I knew and I missed those fingertips I knew and missed that hand, I just wanted to “touch you” and once I did, fine, I’m going wherever you’re going or wherever you came from.

Someone asked me a question about one of my statements, and I don’t really remember what it was that they wanted me to clarify. It had something to do with heaven and hell.

I didn’t know how to answer other than to say “I don’t like threatening people with hell , to control their behavior or tell them ‘if you do this, you are damned’ and that it’s not for me to judge you or say that.

I don’t even know if Hell is real, if it is, oooooooooo we in some big trouble…….

I think that “book of life ” exists , I don’t mean to presume that I’m in it and I am not about to crow to you that your name isn’t either. Thats all from the darkness to the left side of God and Christ. I have full confidence the one on the right witnessed everything knows your truth, and whether you’re the overcomers he said that he loved, maybe you’re flawed or did some stuff you’re not proud of , but maybe in your darkest hour you did something he loved and nobody even knew about.

“Ooooo, I’m telling Alex.”

“Ooo, I am a witch, I know how to cast a spell on you and ruin your life.”

It isn’t Zion until there’s a singularity of the past and the present and the future.

It’s not that “eden” or that place of eternal peace until everyone is free , everyone is safe, and they are cleansed of the traumas and the defense mechanisms and everything that used to feel like it helped protect them from being taken advantage of or victimized or hurt , or just hopeless for being who they are.

I’m not going to name those “foundations” and NGOs but whatever utopia they’re promising is a lie, because when it’s real, God won’t ever let them near you, or that place, or ever hurt you again.


“I’d like to say that it was great while it lasted, but I won’t lie.” — Jen Tryni

I used to play the Golden Girls over and over on a loop, there’s an episode where Rose’s character says something to the effect of “when someone stabs you in the back, you cut them out of your life forever and be done with them.”

Miranda was running her mouth, and “who TF cares,” she is a deranged hag who delights in her cruelty and it’s just what she does. I’m not one to question where I stand with people. I either trust you or I don’t. And if I don’t, I’m done with you.

Susie blurted out “Okay , I did tell some people that I am afraid of you.”

I have had it with women. “Oh I’m so afraid, I’m a perpetual victim” I gave you a quarter of my life, it was incredibly challenging to intolerable for 12 years and I might deal with some of these junkies disrespecting me – or betsy and her “rob’s gonna come all the way to Massachusetts and raep me” but not from you again.

I just have to say this: If you don’t trust me or the quality of the free labor that you jerks never deserved , if you are “afraid of me” after 12 years, game over. I am not going to “earn your trust” or “respect” or “approval” nor will I ever try again.

There isn’t anything else to the story. I changed my number iMessage and email. Fred ain’t getting them, after 17 years that offer expired like my US drivers license. I was going to do it anyway … coming up on 9 months and hood rats still won’t stop asking “so when are you gonna come hang out-” oh riiiiiight, gonna drive 80 hours and take a 14 hour ferry and cross an international border! I’ll be right there!

Girrl you are crazy I don’t even want to drive to Costco or Sorianas, let alone America.

I don’t have the passwords or 2factor codes for Cloudflare or OVH, but I think zephyr has them. Bills are paid until February 2023, “good luck with everything.”

I have a mile long scroll of ASPDs I am so happy that I will never have to talk to again.

> “One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.”

“Don’t judge me or think I’m bitter for the evil God allows me to see.”

Mary j blige, “Deep inside”

Challenge accepted:

Every day it may happen that a “victim” MUST be found

I’ve got a little list — Of citizens who are pissed!

Of Trump supporters who might well be underground

And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for keks and laughs!

The IBM 5100 and the Bynes 5150

I’m still pencil’ed in for calling “Q” and “John Titor” larps, so call this one a Y2k38 theory. Never mind the IBM 5100 — my hypervisor runs on the FAR superior Bynes 5150.

Silicon Valley , and most tech companies, managers are clueless fucking asshats who procrastinate on known issues, ship software known to be bug addled as a GA release, and put every crisis off until the very last fucking minute.

IBM has lost some market share to products like Peoplesoft, which are capable of directly executing Fortran and assembly language, a bunch of HR departments and universities who were among “the first business entities even using mainframe computing” have jumped off of the mainframe ship , or at least MODERNIZED their code and moved it to an up to date 64-bit IBM OS and server, that doesn’t have the y2k38 problem.

I just had a conversation with someone about AIX and whether it was a “dead OS” and had to check this one but it was updated in December of 2021.

Tons of hospitals still use AIX for weird use cases such as a federal requirement that they keep fetal monitor records stored electronically for 21 years — and that requirement alone is “sus” as far as I am concerned but I will leave that alone today — so they have a 21 year data retention that keeps creeping 21 years forward as more infants are born and monitored — sure.. they can clean up the old data — but they have a rolling 21 year period of mandatory data retention —– and yeah, THOSE are the people paying IBM $100,000 – $250,000 a year for software support.

That’s an example of something nobody wants to migrate off of, or have a low incentive to migrate off of, “because it works” and “shit, even if we do switch vendors, that fucking thing STILL has to run and be accessible for 21 years” and it’s apparently such a strict requirement that if a deployment of a competing product — if there is one — and the new system fails to retain that data …

Well anyway, there is a good reason McKesson and Epic do about half of their work in “old” existing systems via middleware functions rather than attempting to replace those back office/back end functions.

Suppose they shrug their shoulders and put off the y2k38 problem for another 14 years.. and they will, because that is how these dipshits run their businesses…

Suppose everyone’s pretty much fucked and dependent on IBM solving it if they are STILL on a legacy IBM mainframe…

Suppose someone comes up with a platform capable of converting the old assembly/mainframe/cpm shit to and from unix and wants to capitalize on that…

And IBM says “we already invented that.”

The IBM 5100 — why wouldn’t they advertise or document its capabilities?

Because these functions were intended for the sole use of IBM field techs.

And patents and licenses start vaporizing left and right once that is revealed…

The “services” industry (ACS/Xerox, CSC, many others not important enough to name, such as “infosys” who dominates the government space and NOT by talent) didn’t really come around until other hardware, OS, software, etc vendors existed.

Had someone figured it out, and not been bound to a non-compete clause —

I’d be rolling in literal fucking millions if not for such a non-compete clause , because I apparently know more detailed information about several hardware devices and software solutions out there in the field that I supported than, in some cases, the business units who designed , deployed, and sold them.

Ask me again “why all these evil big tech firms do evil things?”

I believe in technology, science, and the spiritual just as surely as I believe in, and can explain Sargent’s proprietary methods of submastering via the use of warded clusters of three superceded by one key that fits them all. If we were in a “simulation” , I suppose the “source” (the mysterion, the sacred secret, the jesuchristo, it has more names than I do) would be the supervisor and our “dimension” would be the hypervisor , and you and I would be individual “processes” in some sort of “virtual machine” if you wanted or cared to look at it that way. I haven’t really thought that one out , “fuck it, we’re gonna do it live!”

Human behavior is not predictable unless it is kept in a limited frame of perception. I postulate that we have been deliberately kept in a limited frame of perception via propaganda , media , suppression, and outright falsehoods since at LEAST the 1950s owing to the fact that the computing resources available at that time were only capable of computing likely outcomes and probabilities of two scenarios or inputs. In order for “that” matrix to work, and accurately “predict” future outcomes, people must be kept in a limited frame of perception, addled with drugs, bombarded with lies and propaganda etc.

I think history will show many cases where “some people did some things” so that we would stay more or less within “acceptable parameters” based on that technology. And now, there is better technology, quantum technology , that is still pretty bad, but can be trained to guess better than its predecessor technology, and wouldn’t I love to be a fucking fly on the wall for what its real conclusions are?

It’s not about “technology,” all this stuff about the pyramids, portals, alternate tracks, I actually do believe “that’s a thing ,” and that these will open up for certain people under certain circumstances, whether due to their innate characteristics, (or in some cases yes , drugs) and in still other cases, indeed, due to both. I believe in that shit way more than I believe in “time” travel, because as of the present time, as I have repeatedly said, I do not believe in time. Time is a manifestation of perception, and if there is a way to record what has happened, what is happening, or where all of that converges, and technology is in any way involved, it would likely involve background radiation or something like that , that can be read by technological means. This is not important and it’s probably not that difficult.

Remember that “trauma victims have black and white, all or nothing thinking.”

Previously covered here

and here

The problem with a scenario of a “time traveler” becoming widely believed, plausible, or proven , is that it would cause people to escape from their limited frame of perception, is that this shatters their “black and white, all or nothing, there are only two possible outcomes or paths forward” frame of mindset.

I suspect, given enough time, someone– I do not purport to predict anything — will pull off a stunt that is literally going to sledgehammer the fucking screen, think “michael jackson is actually still alive” or something fun like that, that would make everyone realize they have been lied to about everything, forever, but at the same time won’t reduce everyone to 10/10 gibbering straightjacket material.

[as an aside, this would be an example of a “decoherence” level event. I am sure someone with a better sense of humor and/or more resources at their disposal can come up with something more original than that.]

So if human behavior is only “predictable” when it is kept in a limited frame of mind or perception, and someone else has “cracked the code” on predicting human behavior or societal outcomes, this leaves us with your answer for their desire .. no… PANIC .. to keep every single one of us on a tighter leash and control our movements our communications, what we are allowed to see on TV or post online.

Whatever’s coming they want to make goddamn sure , that nobody is aware of it.

That nobody can discuss it.

That nobody will ever believe it.

Believe it.

Imagine what we don’t know they’ve done, or what they are working against our interests to cover up or enrich themselves with.

If you find yourself in a situation that looks like blue beam fuckery, I suggest you leave the area in a calm and orderly fashion. Leave the state altogether if possible. It’s either Jesus or glowniggers. If it’s Jesus and you’re good, you’re good. If it’s Jesus and you ain’t good, stay calm anyway, he’ll get to you next.

I didn’t tell you the WHOLE fucking story here: (link)

But I gave you some hints, and … it was not a “dream.”

And I already told you what … preceded it.

So , you can either infer that .. I have either experienced exactly what I said I did …

And that I have a very fucking compelling reason that I would even say that to you.

Or you can check me off for “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” I don’t really fucking care.

Maybe if it is a test, it’d be for the BEST if you listen to your OWN instincts.

Thundercat – Evangelion/We’ll Die

It’s superficial the way that you listen

Open your ears and your mind

Just take the time to

Look a bit deeper

You’ll be surprised what you find inside

We’re only human

That makes it simple

But all our lives are complex

And its fine

(It´s fine.)

Can you read my mind?

Or can you read my heart?

Cause theyre not one in the same

Your good intentions,

They’re broken and beaten-

Heaven and earth are all one in the same

“9995? That’s the kind of combination an idiot uses on his luggage!”

Don’t really know what to tell you ,

They used 24 or so different types of drugs on me as juvenile a ward of the state, some of them you would recognize, some of them I have no fucking idea what they were. One of them made me piss the bed. One of them distorted my depth perception so much that a car’s brake lights 200 feet in front of us registered as an “imminent collision” and I’d be screaming in the front seat.

Another one gave me like, what I will jokingly refer to as “superpowers,” I found a flaw in a particular type of folger-adams lock for the “food tray” , whereby if you kicked it about 3-4 inches above the tray, directly in the center, the lock would disengage and the food tray would pop open.

I gave everyone else instructions on how to exploit this, and all hell broke loose because you could not leave or enter the unit without passing our group. One of them was a little disturbed than us and he’d kick the tray open and fling cups of piss at staff members he didn’t like.

There was kid from Janesville I encountered in 3 different facilities and I hated his fucking guts. Chris Powell, I think his name was. He would get on the phone and tell his mom every persons name in juvenile detention, first and last name, so the bitch could go gossip to all her friends about who the bad kids were. As her own fucking kid was in there, good grief.

Chris ends up in the next room to me and he started taunting me about fat my mom was. I say “super powers” because I started kicking the cinderblock wall that separated us open like the fucking koolaid man. Ohhh yeaaah! I proceeded to kick through both sides of our wall, and as the hole got bigger and bigger, I threw every piece of broken cinderblock at his fucking head and had damn near made a hole big enough to crawl through and beat his ass, save for a piece of electrical conduit in the way, acting sort of like a “bar on the window” preventing me from crawling through and getting him. But not from breaking bigger and bigger and bigger pieces of the wall off and pelting him with them while he shrieked to be saved.

All hell broke loose from there once the other guys realized the walls could be kicked and broken down. Maintenance showed up and welded a few metal patch pieces over it, and they had to close down and relocate the entire unit to one where the walls were constructed of solid concrete.

I got another fun story about the same kid, Chris, he shows up at a third facility I’m in, and this was the one where “some bitch named Candace” — I have to tell you this story, it’s funny,okay — Candace with her 3 inch long purple fingernails and her giant hoop earrings , sits down next to me at the table and asks me “so, why does your file say to never let you look at or see any of our keys?”

I said “because I can remember them and then fabricate them or alter my key to match them.”

Candace said “nuh uh, boy you ain’t that smart.”

I shrugged. Idgaf what you think, bitch.

So Candace , sigh, must have never seen the movie “Gremlins” and learned the perils of not following the care and feeding instructions when she was a child.

She pulls out her key ring and straight up, held the master key to the entire unit, up to my face, and said “so you’re telling me, if I show you this key, you’ll memorize it and make one?”

I already knew, from comparing my room key to the other guys keys, that the first three pins were identical on all the keys. The master key, therefore, would have been on elevations/depth of the last four pins.

It didn’t even take me 5 seconds to snort and say “the fucking master key is 9 9 9 5?” I lost my shit laughing. “It’s fucking 9995? THATS YOUR MASTER KEY? HAHAHAAHJHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA”

She pulled the key back and asked “wh wh what, do you mean?”

Because you can take ANY key and file it down to 999 with nail clippers or a piece of tile grout, LOL. Who the FUCK would make the master key “9995” instead of like, “0001” (?) because you “can’t build a key up as easily as you cut it down.”(*) it took me a half hour with the nail clipper and grout to make my favorite new toy.

(*) “I can,” and “I did, ” when they attempted to rekey the entire unit and do exactly that, but that particular trick is reserved for future use at a later time, sorry.

Now I could go into the supply closet and the contraband closet where all the drugs and all the other fun shit went, I’d help myself to the mariijuana , roll it up in some bible paper, and shove two pencil leads in the outlet , take some toilet tissue twisted up on a third pencil lead that I’d touch up against the other two leads to light my joint , and pretty much any weed you got caught with was my weed now.

Sargent locks of that era were divided into two categories, (R)ight and (L)eft , representing whether the warded part of the key was on the right or the left side of the blank. The warding configuration was such that , keys for lock types RA, RB, and RC would not fit into each other cylinders. But then “RD” fit into all three types of locks and was a sub-master of RA/RB/RC. , this pattern continued on where RE/RF/RG were not compatible keys, but then “RH” was a submaster capable of entering all three of those.

Moving along, RI/RJ/RK , same story, RL was a submaster and I don’t know how many of these groups there were or at what letter they ended, but then there an altogether different key blank, I don’t know the alphabetical letter for these keys, but IF memory serves me correct 30 years later, the generic names for the left and right keys that fit into ALL OF THEM are SC-6 and SC-31, one of those being for left warded keys and the other being for the right warded key.

I think the SC6 is the right hand warded key, and the SC-31 is the left hand warded key. Basically if you took concrete and shaved all the wards down, your “RJ” master for Blackhawk was now a defacto homemade SC-31 key for the entire institution, I could open the fences and walk right out the juvenile prison.

How does Rob know this? He was bored, he was 9 years old and saw Sally Struthers on TV selling diplomas , and picked up a phone and told some nice lady “I want to be a locksmith” and they just .. mailed me books and equipment and a invoice I never paid. They called the house one day and asked me a few questions about when I was going to pay .. I’d done all their little courses and passed the tests but never got the certificate because they wanted their money (of course.) But this one lady asked if I minded her asking how old I was. “10.”

PCDI never called again. I didn’t get my certificate either, booooo.

I guess I must be a leftist, I was way ahead of my time!!!!!! I wanted a diploma and I didn’t want to pay for it!!!!!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL anyway.

The first experiment was with John , the ministerial servant I was fucking , who showed me the key to the kingdom hall, like “okay , you can practice. make this key.” So did. And it worked. St Aemelian’s, I already wrote about running away from that place all the time , but on some of those trips I would get Corbin or Schlage keys and fashion master keys to the units there as well. I was 12 I think. I had one teacher who was really angry, and two other teachers who just busted out laughing uncontrollably and could not even try to pretend it wasnt funny.

So this particular “gremlin” came with instructions: “Hide your keys , do not ever let him see the unit key.”

Anyway, I “outed myself” one day, and it was all because of Chris Powell.

Who, once again, was in the fucking room next to me. In a different place.

(Wasn’t that uncommon, my baby daddy was my roommate a few times in a few different places, wink)

Chris being Chris, would stay safe inside his room taunting people, like he did about my mother. And he’d yell “NIGGER! NIGGER NIGGER! NIGGER! NIGGER!” at you, know, the 98% black population of the unit as theyd all gather around his door and say “if you ever open that door boy-”

He had a little song, a little rap, I’m not going to lie , it was catchy, it was like any Beyonce anthem, years ahead of his time, just repeating the same word over and over and over and and over and over. He could have been a song writer for Beyonce, but I don’t think she’d have approved of this particular jam, because , I could type out the lyrics for you, but every single word of his song was “nigger.”

Alright, he had the dudes circling his door and he scared to even go piss.

Chris jumps up on his desk and whispers through the crack in our wall “hey your mom’s still fucking fat!” and then he went back to do his door and starting calling four young men a … I already said it, you know EXACTLY what he was saying. This time all four of them were trying to breach his door.

What the hell’s the matter with you guys, I took two of those doors down in 2 or 3 kicks single handedly … remember , superpowers right ?

Oh but today Chris Powell was getting his. I smiled and grabbed my key out of its special location — wrapped in a plastic garbage bag and pushed to the bottom of a metal cannister of “blue magic” and went out into the hallway and finally revealed my secret. I stuck the key in the lock and opened the door for those four men.

I went back down and laid on my bed and listened to him scream and cry and wail and get his ass beaten black and blue by four young men who were as tired of his mouth as I was. I’m not gonna lie. I smiled. I enjoyed every horrified, terrified shriek. The staff were , to put it mildly, shocked . They saw exactly what I procured, and exactly what I did, but they’d been watching this go on long enough that they just ignored it and they let him beat the kid’s ass.

They came to room about two hours later to toss it and throw me in solitary confinement for a few months. They never found the key, or wondered why a white boy needed a can of “Blue Magic.” Those motherfuckers tossed my room almost every day and they only ever caught me with it one time when I’d just used it to procure some weed, and still had the key in my pocket.

Did a little more time in solitary over that ………………………………..

It’s not the solitary confinement part that gets to me.

It’s just that … it’s really fucking boring alone in your head without weed.

They dragged me in front of Judge Lussow and said I deserved more time locked up in this “secure facility” because I kept making keys to the goddamn place.

I asked Judge Lussow , “what’s the point of a more secure facility, when I can make keys to it anyway? obviously I can march out the fence or straight through the sallyport or the front gate, and I choose NOT TO, so -“

He told me “that wasn’t the point” and , my extended vacation was “so ordered.”

When I say “I am done waiting to be saved or rescued,” I mean exactly that.

Some correspondence with Richard from “Targeted Justice.”

I know Joseph Konopka, Paige Thompson, weev, and knew Adrian Lamo.

You need to free Paige. I got some email from Capital One, telling me I could file for relief for being “victimized” by Seroquel (the chatter, not the medication, lol) in the “Capital One Hack” but its bullshit, she used open, exposed, public APIs that were not even password protected and you’ll find that is what got weev out of prison on appeal. The judge decided that his only crime was that AT&T was stupid.

They’re modifying CFAA to exclude “white hat hackers” , my wish for tonight is for every prisoner in the world to be free. Except for MTW, that guy’s a jerk.

What is a “perp” , anyway? Some fuckhead who gaslights you and denies that you experienced the abuse , torture, and/or persecution that you’ve faced, right? Or redirects blame from the parties actually responsible for this?

I do not have “voices in my head,” I have front page local and /or NATIONAL NEWS archives on my side, court documents, newspapers, receipts, and provable targeted harassment by real people with real fucking names and addresses. What I have been through is apparently persuasive enough to have been granted a new social security number and a sealed identity through your HALE program — so let’s talk about “substantiated claims” with “receipts.” I have a document I can take to a magistrate and get a clean passport and drivers license in two days flat if things get a little bit too out of hand (again). I imagine that they will. Look me up, while some of my aliases are readily determinable through Lexis Nexus and other public sources my “actual” name … or at least the one on any documents that matter .. is blacked out, sealed, and unknown to even my parents.

I’m at the point where I just roll my eyes and say “whatever, I’m from America where names don’t mean shit anyway, unless they do.”

How many of your tinfoil hatters are straight up, classified as HALE or witness protection? It’s way out of either of our hands, we will all be vindicated the instant all these people run out of blackmail money, can’t happen quickly enough IMO.

You think this shit show three ring circus of a “justice” system is on our side? Ha!

I guess, our failed system, has done what it’s been able to for me. Its not enough.

Get fucked Richard, I’m naming names that raped me, threatened to murder me, and/or tried.

Seton got rid of my records and denies I was ever a patient. An FOIA request from them having me arrested in Austin TX in 2016 will show otherwise. And US hospitals wonder why we do not trust them, they are “all in” on the TI bullshit and have treated the unwitting pilot participants like garbage for the 14-15 years.

The Jehahahs never responded because they fuck kids on purpose.

Fuck that magistrate in La Crosse — Gonzales, may you be held accountable for reasons that have nothing to do with me, all compromised, its why nobody “does anything.”

The rest is for your entertainment.

twitter is still a dumpster fire.

someone was ranting about maga people and their “unsophisticated” choices in vehicles, and I was like LOL your “sophisticated” taste in vehicles is what made Elon Musk so rich he’s buying your leftist safe space and unbanning Trump, LOL

anyway, various explanations of a theoretical multiverse, i like the visual example of the ends of a fiber optic cable extending in every possible direction but I am bound to three of them that also sort of resemble “twisted pair,” they’re numbered 17, 18, and 19:

There is a mediating force that decides what future potentials and outcomes are allowed, but “they” try to stay one step ahead of this by manufacturing propaganda, amygdala hijack, and circumstances such that the three of them resemble each other within let’s say a 1-5% variance.

And it might not be anything more complicated than “they’ve been doing this since the 1950s, human behavior is not predictable, so they forced people into a limited frame of perspective, traumatized and brainwashed them into adopting “all or nothing,” “black or white thinking,” and cornering people into thinking they only have two choices, that one of those choices threatens their survival or is the “lesser of two evils” or whatever. It might just be a matter of, “we can only kind of calculate human behavior within a certain range if we force these choices or circumstances on them.” :

“Decoherence” under the Everett model would be something so fucking drastic, like “9/11,” that there is no “Mandela effect,” and we are all forced into accepting a “consensus” “historical event” (i could name others, but I won’t make any friends in doing so) that is inalterable, a trauma like the Challenger disaster or 9/11.. or whatever.. you and I are bound to intertwined paths forward that “must” include 9/11. I suppose there could be, or could have been , people who think that the the Revelation of St John has come to pass (I’m sure more than once, “they” are always trying to make their “prophecy” happen) and that’s an “ah shit, they’re on the blue beam fuckery timeline” so maybe that’s why these so-called timelines vanish.

They are not subjectively “real” or “true” to enough people, to be counted in whatever force(s) mediate whether they are an acceptable path forward.

I guess I like to think of it more as a strand theory than as a string theory.

I’m not 100% sure what Dr Munizza and her colleagues — or any of those other “behavioral modification programs” did to us when we’re 12 or 13 or whatever. Paris Hilton and Paris Jackson have the floor on that one and so far they’re just on the physical/sexual/mental abuse. We’re not even scratching the surface here.

Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s fucked up, illegal, and they just figured we were disposable because , as they *loved* to tell us at every opportunity, the “recidivism rate was so high” 80-90% of us would be “dead or in prison by the time we were 18.”

Makes me think of that Marilyn Manson song “Disposable Teens.”

How does one coherently explain decoherence?

What I refer to as a “rift” is what others have referred to as “decoherence” — there’s this big dome like thing and everything’s orange and its on fire, and there’s vaccum cleaners in the sky and shit — and everyone knows EXACTLY what the fuck is going on, but what a difference one day makes and it just “never happened.” I have personal experience of two of these events roughly along DEW lines and/or the southern so-called border, and predict another one kind of the roughly somewhere in the area of Pennsylvania — I’ve already commented on this publicly and it’s possible that this one will be dodged, because 1) fuck off, I’m tired and I want nothing to do with it , 2) the window of opportunity for it has passed, and 3) predicting such an event could cause a radical paradigm shift with unpredictable consequences if/when such a very extremely specific claim were to check out.

One day a street in Clearwater has two hotels from the exact same brand/chain and franchise mere blocks apart , and then when you wake up the next day, only one of the hotels is there … You wonder why I go on these tangents .. about … your most basic assumptions, challenging just one or two of those is enough to cause enough of a radical paradigm shift to result in said “decoherence” and now you know why, the propaganda and the shit on your “idiot box” has to be so — the radical paradigm shift, the “decoherence, ” causes such a divergence that one possibility ceases to exist. Re-read me. It’s all over this blog.

And you come home to find out that your mom was in some weird headspace where she’d invited the authorities into your house to search for drugs and weapons because she was terrified you were about to go , like commit a mass shooting or something heinous like that?

… and you’re just discredited as an addict or a lunatic .. I haven’t disagreed that I’m lunatic, but where the hell did she even get that idea from and why were these police accepting an invitation into my home, to toss it and search it with no warrant and no probable cause or any reasonable basis to do so?

I told you those fuckers tried to set me up in the early 2000s — its true, the case may be wiped but the receipts are at the courthouse and in both newspapers archives , and I can’t imagine they appreciate what I say about them but its true.

I feel like I had another close call with somehow getting blamed for something … again … it was not very long — hours, maybe a day or two — after I’d posted the pictures I’d taken of that newscast and they’d hacked my fucking blog and set all that into motion? Knowing what I know today I don’t believe them about “Doc.”

I was not , and am not, on drugs , although that’s your favorite means to discredit me or anything or anything I have to say about whatever the fuck happened.

Is it possible that the ability for apparently contradictory individual experiences , is more closely related to many-minds than I think you think that it is, because what is and a mind , and what is matter anyway?

Wayne used to always say “love is a sophisticated subroutine running on a computer made of meat.”

This is fucking cool:

The non-contradictory, simultaneous nature of multiverses is better described by the Everett Interpretation, but neither many-minds nor multiverses can exist under the premise of duality: “for everything there is, there is something it isn’t.”

Another way of looking at duality , is to that is to say, that “for everything there is, there is something that it isn’t, unless there isn’t” and if there is, then who or what observes, experiences, or arbitrates it?

Is an atom in one of the pebbles under your sandals an “observer” — pleased to offer itself in service to your objective experience, humming “I’m an atom, I’m an atom, I’m an atom” eternally?

What if a bunch of people screaming about you being a larp, or insane, forgot all you and then twenty years later someone else came across it and said “hey, wait a minute, this is actually really fucking interesting?”

I had a dream at Norris , where the unit manager brought out a ladder one time and he hung a clock on the wall. The clock in question had been sitting on the top of the bookshelf in his office for the entire time I had been on the unit.

The next morning, my jaw dropped open as he did exactly that same very thing and put the clock exactly where I dreamt he had. I was excited and told him all about it and he just scowled at me and told me to go back to sleep and come back with next week’s winning lottery numbers.

Apparently that is just … how peoples minds work and where their minds go.

I’d probably counter back with “what is money, anyway?” but what the hell does a 13 year old know anyway?

I know THAT happened, despite his sarcastic and dismissive reaction to it.

I go .. what other experiments do they do to kids? “Hey we’re here to have you solve a puzzle” “some men are here to do a test on you.”

Why kids? Well, they have no idea what is in their environment or how it works.

A 39 year old me might be like “what the fuck, is there an MRI behind this wall?”

Except, in the occasional circumstance where you know how more things work than they are particularly amused with and they need to use better locks for you.

So okay, I am finding out that there are …. other people … who say this shit and call it other things than I do. If people’s minds immediately go to “well, go back and get me those lottery numbers” or “I want a wining horse name for the derby,” then what makes you think that if GE or one of those motherfuckers literally invented a “time machine” wouldn’t be just as callous or greedy or opportunistic and alter the course of history in the favor of themselves, their shareholders, their business interests?

Or .. ah fuck it let’s call it that , without splitting hairs into whether it is a distortion, alteration, warping, or bending of “time” or “perception” because time is a manifestation of perception any fucking way, but what if they did it and …

And said we’re going to go back in time and own everyone and everything, or fuck things up so badly and catastrophically that they diverged enough to create a final decoherence. Ask, why would someone “from 2036” interact with us or be desperate to acquire a machine that could translate mainframe languages?

What happens in 2038? The end of 32-bit unix epoch time. I just imagine they’d let everything run and run and run and and run and just deny the problem until kaboom, it was totally fucking unrecoverable? What would me think corporations or politicians would do such a stupid , reckless thing when they have 16 years to fix it? Is it more important to go back and erase any potentiality where anyone involved in this was named, blamed, or held accountable for what they did?

Or just race to acquire and own all technology, all media, all patents, all intellectual property as fast as you fucking can and install the machinery to silence or eliminate anyone or anything who …. has the persistence of memory in a “rift” ?

Why “must” the war happen?

Why “must” the agendas happen?

Why must these two countries go to war with one another?

Why “must” the United States go through a period of uprisal and upheaval or experience class strife, racial strife, etc?

Says who?

Why does it have to be exactly so?

“Why did SHE have to win?”

“Why, must HE absolutely not, under any circumstances, be allowed to win?”

Why are they calling it “terrorism” to question the results of that election?

What is decoherence?

A paradox where there is a reality where original World Trade Center still stands.

Or, let’s use my favorite one to make fun of, “JFK Jr is still alive.”

I sit here staring at the wall, wondering “what the fuck, what if X really happened?”

They silence us , because WE have the potential to create a “decoherence” event.

A window of opportunity, a rift, will be closing , if it hasn’t already.

There appears to be some way of .. being taken along for a ride , here. But my presumption is that most of us would continue going on as we are in the here and now, and they would continue going on as they are in their here and now, except their “history” and narrative would diverge so much they could no longer contain or control whatever the fuck it is that they are doing.

Part of the problem with that is a whole generation of people who “just wanted to retire” , or “ship it anyway” knowing it was faulty, the people who “just want the trains to run on time” let the 2038 problem happen and then by then pretty much everyone left is too stupid to actually do anything about it, because of your you-know-what hiring practices. Even in 2019 I was explaining “DST” to these idiots.

Just as they do today , “oh. shit. we’re going have to fix this in two years aren’t we?”

What if we don’t make those choices, that we didn’t want to make anyway?

And let them live with their choices, their arrogance, their refusal to take a constituent’s call , or shouting down the one person in QA who says “uh hey guys, um, there’s a flaw in this design”


Worst case scenario they come after me with the butterfly net and my case manager renews my benefits for another year next year.

Best case scenario, the world isn’t as awful as I’ve supposed that it is, unless it’s way worse than I’ve supposed that it is.

Why do all of these fucking corporations and billionaires and people participate in this? Low IQ take: “huh huh huh, they drink children’s blood.”

I don’t know, maybe, just fucking look at some of them, I would 100% believe that.

But what if these “big tech” companies are covering up something they already did , that from our perspective, never happened yet?

Do I have your attention yet?

Clones .. at least the way you do them now .. are one dimension lower than their original, and the world you wanted to throw away like a used Kleenex is the only one capable of sustaining them.

Argon. Argon, that’s what it was.

“Well, fuck.”

  • Anything you experience is (subjectively) real.
  • Question it anyway. Reality testing, or lack thereof, is what breaks a man.
  • I don’t want to talk about the things I don’t want to talk about.
  • I regret taking the bait on divisive topics and indulging in hatred.
  • Secondarily to that, I regret paying any mind to “political theater.”
  • Everything else I’ve said, is just wherever my imagination goes.
  • (Or it’s just what I’m interested in.)
  • I feel like I have my moments where I come across as foolish or crazy.
  • I hope I remain teachable.
  • I should have stuck to poetry, abstract, and/or the metaphorical.
  • Even though I’ve been told that I’m no Kerouac.
  • I don’t mind “sounding crazy” if you needed something you found here.
  • I don’t really want to “be that guy,” although I will if I feel like I need to.
  • I have have been discouraged and had the limits of my patience tested.
  • In more ways, and by more people, and over more things than I’ll ever say.
  • When I dwell too much on feeling victimized, I grab the dishsoap and I do the honors myself. I’m a survivor. God help you if you’re so unsteady that I ended up serving a purpose as your “rock” at some point but we’re still here.
  • The “Adversary” is real, and most of my problems in life arise from people who delight in doing his bidding and will never feel sorry or bad about it, no matter whether you kick ass and take names or shine a light on it. The best you’re ever going to get is a “hey so I’m looking for work and this looks bad.”
  • It is bad. You absolute fucktard. I will forgive, but never turn my back on you.
  • I have faith that there are people trying to protect aeons of human history.
  • I’ve wasted too much time and energy thinking “elected” officials matter.
  • I’ve wasted too much time and energy thinking “elected” officials serve “us.”
  • “They don’t care about us.” , Hee hee! Michael Jackson is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, one of the real ones, someday you’ll hear his testimony. If you don’t believe that, then there is at least one thing we don’t have in common.
  • You’re still here.
  • I’m still here.
  • “I’ve said too much, and I haven’t said enough.”
  • I’m responsible for what I’ve said, and some it is pretty heinous and hateful.
  • I had, and I have no reason to believe I will ever be anything but disregarded.
  • I had, and I have no reason to believe I will ever be anything but ignored.
  • Or dismissed as a crank or a nuisance or a headache to even respond to.
  • I mumbled incoherently in the basement about getting my red stapler back.
  • Google underreported my traffic, convincing me that +/- 8 people read this.
  • I danced, shitposted, and wrote like nobody was watching.
  • With the exception of that time I finally got so fucking pissed off about “you know exactly what,” everyone fucking knows what — I redirected your traffic here and made that whole world stand still until 32,000 people read what I said about it.
  • But if those bullies hadn’t quit their shit I’d have 41%’ed myself.
  • After all I did to defend you, you didn’t have shit to say to them about it.
  • I probably could have handled that better, it’s your turn to admit the same.
  • I regret we could have done so much better working together instead of against each other, or crying “she goes, or I go” and “he goes or I go.” Do you?
  • Big fucking deal, I fell down in battle for awhile. It’s okay – go on without me.
  • Cloudflare’s reporting suggests that Google deliberately underreports hits.
  • By like … a …. lot ….. and I am not looking at that again or I’ll get self-conscious about it and worry if it’s “too over the top” or worry about “performing.”
  • I’m glad Google under-reports your traffic/audience. I would have been more concerned about “how it looked” and… some of it’s really fucking funny … even though … the Britney Spears Level Meltdowns aren’t really something … a lot of people would put out there.
  • I am sorry for unintended consequences, ie embarrassing anyone but me.
  • …….Unless you tried to ruin my life or threaten me ….. then “FAFO, bitch.”
  • I am not, however, sorry , for refusing to let “them” make me walk through this silently, ostracized, deplatformed, losing my shit or alone in any of this.
  • I am responsible for considering the … ramifications.. from this point forward.

“I had much more important things to do, and did at the White House, than being on the cover of Vogue.”

I’ve talked some shit about her husband and I’m so pissed off right now that I’ve incinerated the fucking red cap , what fucking difference does it make, they took my society and my community and shoved all that into the incinerator, fuck a flag and fuck the maga hat, as lefties would say, they’re both just a “clump of cotton.”

I’m living what you might call a brutally honest program and/or life and I just fucking cried my eyes out watching this interview with Melania.

“People always criticize me no matter what I do. And I’m used to that. I move forward and I’m here to [help] people. And that is the reason. And I would encourage those people to help in their own community. Or maybe join my Fostering the Future initiative.”

I’m not a well woman right now, and I need some time and space and to participate on my own terms and/or not participate at all, if that’s what “self care” looks like for me right now. Don’t even fucking pretend that any of us are easy to deal with.

Hell no, I’m not “burning the chatroom down again,” I’m just … not that fucking important … and it runs itself, and the only thing that’s going to “close it down” is a lack of further public or group interest and/or participation. It’s reassuring to know I could drop dead tomorrow and you guys would find a way to throw Kiwi or something up on a webpage and keep going. I do NOT have the power to stop you.

I’ve always had that inner restlessness and “itchy feet” and a mind that’s already 200 miles ahead of me up the highway but I’m having a moment here where I’m just tired and I’m in bed all day, every day … and normally my place is spotless and febreezed and I never go to bed with a dish in the sink — but I got hit by a bus and for a minute there, sure as hell feel like a guy who’s been hit by a bus. La Duena would have shrieked if she’d stopped by and seen what a mess this place was.

48 states.. 7 countries.. over 2,000,000 miles on the highway .. and I think about Chris from time to time and how he would say “you can’t do that forever.”

It’s taken a little bit of time and more than a few xanax bars to even get me to where I can go outside and smoke on my porch lately. La Duena’s noticing that I don’t trim my beard and I’m wearing the same fuckin Nipsey Hussle shirt every day. She’s been giving me concerned looks and asking me if everything’s good.

I haven’t been disappearing off to CDMX or Guadalajara for days or weeks lately.

It is and it isn’t. I sent a couple pictures of the eclipse from my porch and said “noche oscuro, I love you.”

This is a pretty fucking bright midnight moon.

I pulled out my sim card cause I’m not going to worry about the silence anymore.

Night Light

Every hardship is here to teach us how to dance with this life,
So if some sensation of failure rises up inside,
Remember what it means to shine your light.
Take. One. Deep. Breath.

How many times have you found yourself listening to some

Thought convincing you that nothing would ever get better?
How many countless moments 
Bound by such insidious fetters –
Substances, thoughts, fears, insecurities?

How many times have I railed at the world, at my child, my family?

Moments when hurting myself seemed to offer me some sort of sanity.

Inhale one deep breath with me.

And exhale; let your body just settle and rest.

Let the breathing be easeful and smooth,

Let this peace emerge from within you,
And let this quiet be your food, for a few more seconds.

This is how you cultivate a state of meditation.

This is when you bring coherence to your entire system.

And as you accrue time in this state of meditation,

This state eventually becomes your steadfast quality of being.

Even when things seem intolerably challenging.

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